It's time for a journey.

Lately, I've not been a very nice person.


That's an understatement considering how I've been acting, but still...


I'm negative all the time.


I complain about every last detail.


The reason being I don't know what else to say.


A friend of mine gave me some words that I've thought long and hard about.


And am still thinking about.


I was up all night just thinking.


I sat infront of the mirror for hours, staring at myself.


Wanting to cry when I think how horrible I've been,


but trying not to give in because I'm stronger than that.


Eventually I did what I always do when I look in the mirror at myself.


I started pointing out my imperfections.


It was a really long list of imperfections...


Just the air of negativity in that room made me cry.


I cried for two hours.


I kept thinking, how can I change myself?


What am I doing wrong?


I finally came to the realization that,


I don't have to be so negative.


I don't need to be.


It's only just pulling me down.


So recently there was a boy...

Who told me he liked me but didn't talk to me afterwards for three months.

He still hasn't talked to me,


and I began to really think that I wasn't good enough.


For well, anything.


I wasn't AS negative last year as I am now.


I was ranting to my best friend about this boy, and she told me,


"Spooky.* Listen to me. You're too good for him. I hate how you're acting."


This hasn't been the first time that


someone has commented on my behavior...


So this morning, I went for a walk to clear my head.


Just to let the negative thoughts fly out the window.


It wasn't working rather well so I came back home,


and did something I remember reading about.


I wrote down everything I didn't like about myself,


and I tore the list up.


I wrote down everything that I do like about me,


and I pinned it on my bulletin board.


Suddenly a ray of hope struck me and I wrote down my imperfections again.


If I'm being so negative all the time just because of this list,


I'm going to do everything I can to perfect myself.


Each day, I'm going to do something on that list to make myself better.


So I pinned that list on the bulletin board too.



And I'm really going to come through with it.



Another way I'm trying to do this is I have a little Digimon piggybank,


and whenever I think something negative about myself,


I'm going to give my Digimon pal a payment. (:


imperfectionist:


- being an asshat


- lack of self esteem


- social anxiety


- my weight


- my behavior


- negativity


- being the worst conversationalist ever


- thinking i'm too boring


- pushing people away when I need them the most


- complaining when I don't know what to say


- being too paranoid


- caring too much about what other people think


- judging myself too harshly


- etc.





note: I've already began to eat healthily and I'm planning on exercising more. It was actually my goal this summer to lose some pounds, and I never came through with it. I think that maybe if I do come through with it, I'll have a better outlook on myself and life.

notenote: I'm doing this for me because I need to.


It's vital for me to become a better person because I know that I can be.


THIS JOURNEY HAS BEGUN. ~







*obviously, I'm not using my real name.