" its so odd...
how, frequently, the person you have a crush on doesn't like you back...
and how another person you dont like does. "
^ also it's unfair! >.<
Alright then. Let's cut to the chase.
Time to start this rant up, baby.
I've got social anxiety.
Especially around men.
I'm terrified of men.
Men and being judged.
And spiders too but that's a completely different story.
I hate hate hate being shy.
I hate it with a passion.
I hate how my face goes bright red and I stumble over my words.
I can't even control myself around a stupid boy!
Everytime I see him, I can't breathe and my face goes bright red.
It's so stupid though. I've got this infactuation with this guy because he's talked to me quite a few times. It's not as if he likes me.
He even told me himself that he only talks to me because his friend is shy and thinks I'm cute and that's the only reason he's talking to me at that moment of time. It's like he's friggin' embarrassed to be seen talking to me.
Little shy Spooky. No one wants to talk to her.
What is with people?
I mean, I COULD talk to boys if I really wanted to.
If of course I wasn't having self confidence issues.
I just don't like it when people send other people to be the messenger.
In elementary school, when the girls got in these drama-rama fights,
they would ask me to go tell the girl they were fighting with, horrible horrible things and you know what I said? I said, "No thanks, I don't want to be a messenger."
I hate drama. D;
I think my real problem is that I'm too paranoid about what other people think.
That's truly why I think this shyness thing is bothering me.
I'm perfectly normal around my close friends and my family, it's crazy.
I only go red if I'm REALLY embarrassed and I don't care what they think of me because I know that they'll love me no matter what.
But when I have to step foot into the great outdoors of society, I'm terrified.
I don't get it.
I have a job and everything.
I'm not depressed, I'm actually really happy!
My mother is always saying that I've got a heart a gold.
My friends think I'm the nicest person they've ever met.
Well if I'm so kind, happy, and cheerful why don't more people want to be my friend?
It's because I'm scared of being judged.
I'm trying not to care about what other people think but it's really hard.
Especially in highschool when you don't know half the kids there but your own friends. And especially when you've only got the lunch period with your friends.
My best friend has only been in my class once during highschool and that was last semester. How am I supposed to become more confident with myself when I can't even come out of my shell when my friends aren't around.
I need to stop relying on them and rely on myself.
I need to stop caring what people think of me. It doesn't matter what they think really, because I'm me and I'll always be me no matter what.
Anyway, I hope that I can build up my confidence soon so I can talk to this guy!
That's all for now.
Take care,
Spooky < 3
