It's time for a journey.

Lately, I've not been a very nice person.


That's an understatement considering how I've been acting, but still...


I'm negative all the time.


I complain about every last detail.


The reason being I don't know what else to say.


A friend of mine gave me some words that I've thought long and hard about.


And am still thinking about.


I was up all night just thinking.


I sat infront of the mirror for hours, staring at myself.


Wanting to cry when I think how horrible I've been,


but trying not to give in because I'm stronger than that.


Eventually I did what I always do when I look in the mirror at myself.


I started pointing out my imperfections.


It was a really long list of imperfections...


Just the air of negativity in that room made me cry.


I cried for two hours.


I kept thinking, how can I change myself?


What am I doing wrong?


I finally came to the realization that,


I don't have to be so negative.


I don't need to be.


It's only just pulling me down.


So recently there was a boy...

Who told me he liked me but didn't talk to me afterwards for three months.

He still hasn't talked to me,


and I began to really think that I wasn't good enough.


For well, anything.


I wasn't AS negative last year as I am now.


I was ranting to my best friend about this boy, and she told me,


"Spooky.* Listen to me. You're too good for him. I hate how you're acting."


This hasn't been the first time that


someone has commented on my behavior...


So this morning, I went for a walk to clear my head.


Just to let the negative thoughts fly out the window.


It wasn't working rather well so I came back home,


and did something I remember reading about.


I wrote down everything I didn't like about myself,


and I tore the list up.


I wrote down everything that I do like about me,


and I pinned it on my bulletin board.


Suddenly a ray of hope struck me and I wrote down my imperfections again.


If I'm being so negative all the time just because of this list,


I'm going to do everything I can to perfect myself.


Each day, I'm going to do something on that list to make myself better.


So I pinned that list on the bulletin board too.



And I'm really going to come through with it.



Another way I'm trying to do this is I have a little Digimon piggybank,


and whenever I think something negative about myself,


I'm going to give my Digimon pal a payment. (:


imperfectionist:


- being an asshat


- lack of self esteem


- social anxiety


- my weight


- my behavior


- negativity


- being the worst conversationalist ever


- thinking i'm too boring


- pushing people away when I need them the most


- complaining when I don't know what to say


- being too paranoid


- caring too much about what other people think


- judging myself too harshly


- etc.





note: I've already began to eat healthily and I'm planning on exercising more. It was actually my goal this summer to lose some pounds, and I never came through with it. I think that maybe if I do come through with it, I'll have a better outlook on myself and life.

notenote: I'm doing this for me because I need to.


It's vital for me to become a better person because I know that I can be.


THIS JOURNEY HAS BEGUN. ~







*obviously, I'm not using my real name.

I've got my spine, I've got my orange crush

" its so odd...
how, frequently, the person you have a crush on doesn't like you back...
and how another person you dont like does. "

^ also it's unfair! >.<

Alright then. Let's cut to the chase.
Time to start this rant up, baby.
I've got social anxiety.
Especially around men.
I'm terrified of men.
Men and being judged.
And spiders too but that's a completely different story.
I hate hate hate being shy.
I hate it with a passion.
I hate how my face goes bright red and I stumble over my words.
I can't even control myself around a stupid boy!
Everytime I see him, I can't breathe and my face goes bright red.
It's so stupid though. I've got this infactuation with this guy because he's talked to me quite a few times. It's not as if he likes me.
He even told me himself that he only talks to me because his friend is shy and thinks I'm cute and that's the only reason he's talking to me at that moment of time. It's like he's friggin' embarrassed to be seen talking to me.
Little shy Spooky. No one wants to talk to her.
What is with people?
I mean, I COULD talk to boys if I really wanted to.
If of course I wasn't having self confidence issues.
I just don't like it when people send other people to be the messenger.
In elementary school, when the girls got in these drama-rama fights,
they would ask me to go tell the girl they were fighting with, horrible horrible things and you know what I said? I said, "No thanks, I don't want to be a messenger."
I hate drama. D;
I think my real problem is that I'm too paranoid about what other people think.
That's truly why I think this shyness thing is bothering me.
I'm perfectly normal around my close friends and my family, it's crazy.
I only go red if I'm REALLY embarrassed and I don't care what they think of me because I know that they'll love me no matter what.
But when I have to step foot into the great outdoors of society, I'm terrified.
I don't get it.
I have a job and everything.
I'm not depressed, I'm actually really happy!
My mother is always saying that I've got a heart a gold.
My friends think I'm the nicest person they've ever met.
Well if I'm so kind, happy, and cheerful why don't more people want to be my friend?
It's because I'm scared of being judged.
I'm trying not to care about what other people think but it's really hard.
Especially in highschool when you don't know half the kids there but your own friends. And especially when you've only got the lunch period with your friends.
My best friend has only been in my class once during highschool and that was last semester. How am I supposed to become more confident with myself when I can't even come out of my shell when my friends aren't around.
I need to stop relying on them and rely on myself.
I need to stop caring what people think of me. It doesn't matter what they think really, because I'm me and I'll always be me no matter what.
Anyway, I hope that I can build up my confidence soon so I can talk to this guy!

That's all for now.
Take care,
Spooky < 3

Dancing Down Memory Lane

Ah. Tea parties. ->
I miss going to those.
When I was a little girl I went to them quite often.
Billions and billions of fun.

I miss alot of those small things from my childhood.
It makes me sad to know that I'm getting older now. But these memories are enough to last a lifetime so I'm happy.

Right now I'm very bored and I've decided to write on here again. I also figured out how to work it so I'm happy! Yay.

I'm getting my hair restyled on Sunday. I'm excited about that.
As for the rest of my life right now,
it's great. Couldn't be better. :)

Well that's it for now.
Pretty pathetic considering I could write a whole lot more.
I guess my tiredness is catching up to me then.

Toodles,
xo - Spooky.